By Fred Prout
The big table at the Ratcheds Senior Center. The usuals plus newbies.
For some reason Shirley got her knickers in a knot. Of course I’m referring to Shirley Knott Shewill Knott. So…Shirley got her knickers in a knot and a Knott in her knickers. At the same time. For those who are not sure, knickers are what the British call ladies underwear. We’re sitting at the big table in the Ratched’s senior center. Shirley pours another round. Grousing all the while. “My idiot sister, Summer, is staying with me. She can’t bother to lift a finger to help. She’s gotta be the laziest person on the planet. I’ll be glad when she goes back home. She lives in that retirement place in Daisy and it sounds like they wait on her hand and foot.”
T Rex ( fka Thomas King) pipes in. “Shirley don’t give yourself a stroke. She’s only here for a few more days. Then you’ll complain you never get to see her. And the entire town loved her yesterday. She really got the parade started with her unicycle leading the whole shebang. I think she must have gotten into the ‘SPECIAL’ coffee. Everybody thought she was weaving around on purpose.”
Yours truly: “It was a good thing that she was followed by the Muldoons and Gunther Toody in Car 54. The way she was waving and weaving and throwing candy to everyone got more than a few people laughing like crazy. She was the star of the show so let her glory in it. When she ran out of candy and started taking off her clothes she got more applause than anybody else in the parade. I mean stripping on a unicycle while you’re half loaded and almost falling over, and out, is something we haven’t seen before.
Sue Nammi: “I thought when the seagull group started squirting whipped cream on each other instead of the street they got a lot of people involved in the action. The Beagle Brigade in back of them was looking for their usual treat and when they didn’t get it they started howling like crazy. Twenty plus beagles howling like crazy. I haven’t heard anything like that since I visited Summer on Cinco de Maio. Those people were howling at the moon drinking margaritas”
Wanda: “Jay and Kaye from The Square Circle Wine Shop did a land office business. They said a lot of people were hunkered down with the bad weather. Then a couple days of sunshine and everything opened up. They were more than happy to have an excuse to party and the MY-O-MY parade got the party started.”
Ida No: “I’ve only been in town a short time, but, when Lucy Lastics swaggered down the middle of the street with six hula hoops working and wearing a skin tight stars and stripes outfit, all eyes were fixed on her coming and going. Lucy is a big girl so when she was bouncing around all I could think of was a big truck driving on a very bumpy road. High beams on. My brother, the Doctor, said he anticipated a huge influx of patients with eye strain. As twins we have a very tight Bond. Sometimes we can read each other’s minds. People sometimes do a double take when I mention my name.”
Ella Vader: “Ida I fully understand your feelings. People hear my name and kinda wince. No, I’m an only child, I tell them. Once in a while someone will mention that life has its ups and downs”
T: “Not too many people think about this but if you put your left shoe on your left foot, it’s on the right foot. Think about it.”
Watson Furst: “Misty Meanor and I were watching the parade in front of the church on Fourth. People were laughing and taking pictures of the sign in front of the church. I did a double take when I saw ‘THE EVILS OF GAMBLING BINGO TONIGHT AT 6.30′ That’ll make the internet for sure. Couple days ago, I took Misty to that Australian restaurant. Outhouse or whatever. The waitress is bringing the food and I hear somebody yelling ‘look at Misty’s underwear.’ I yell back ‘what about her underwear?’ “Well the whole place started laughing like crazy. Sounded like a hundred people yelling ‘ONION RINGS‘.
Bonus Diaz: “Angie Lada and I were a block over and missed a little bit of the parade. We’re used to seeing people wearing a cervical collar from, like, an accident but this one woman was wearing what looked like a padded toilet seat around her neck. It was one of the weirdest things I’ve seen in a long while. Other people were staring at her but she had the look of someone you really didn’t want to ask. Mean, if you know what I mean. I’m sure T could come up with something snarky to say about that.”
T: “I could for sure. That was my former lady friend, Olive Pitts. She’d do anything to get attention. She’s one of those needy people who makes everything about her. It’s ironic that she’s wearing a padded toilet seat on her head because she’s a real…
Yours truly: ” T…”
T: “Yeah ok, but I haven’t seen her for over five years. I still had my little dog Hershey. My back went out, so I bought a pooper scooper for when Hershey left her Kisses. No plastic baggies and bending over, just scoop. Well we were out to dinner with a bunch of people and I mentioned that I just bought this device. Well, Olive asked me how it worked. You know sometimes my mouth works faster than my brain. I said what I have to do is get down on one knee, put the thing under her butt, lift her tail and say PUSH. Everybody laughed their glasses off. Everyone except Olive. She said I made her sound stupid. That’s the last time we saw each other until yesterday. So now she’s wearing a padded toilet seat on her head. Go figure. I remember one morning she woke up with a hangover. Looked out the window and saw a squirrel. Thought it was her cat. She ran out the door with her nighty flapping yelling at her supposed cat.”
Skipping along to that evening. We learned from past experiences that Ratcheds doesn’t have a big enough place for all the people who come to the party. So the town of Perry to the rescue once again. Everybody got directions to the Perry Masonic Lodge on Della street. Kudos to Bill and Penny Short from the bank for making the decorations. Colonel Dave and the Norman Invaders kept the music going full blast all night. Thanks to Robin for the art work on the wall. Much appreciated. Can’t forget Mr. Yoder for donating some of his finest beer. I know Howie Doone enjoyed himself. His wife, Lorna, had to hoist him into the passenger side of their truck. She said she might bungee cord him to the roof if she had to.
Looking at the next table I notice an unusual group. You know Shirley Knott Shewill Knott has a brother Willy. She also has a cousin Willie. So here they are sitting next to Billie, Billie and Millie. If I could help myself I would avoid saying it was kinda silly. Oh, and who walks in but Daphne Gaffney along with Ben and Eileen Dover. Time to go. Stay tuned for more from Ratcheds. A nice little town on the coast where everyone is beautiful and at least one degree off center.
P.S. It’s OK to go back and read this aloud. Just make sure you listen.
