‘Tis The Season, or, The Constipated Dog

By Fred Prout

WARNING!!!

There has been a resurgence of NLS in recent years. No Laughing Syndrome has infected many good people. Not only are they seemingly incapable of laughter, but, they seem stridently opposed to anyone who can. And does. I happen to be an unapologeticly contagious laugher. And I try to write in a humorous manner. Sorry. If you are one who is affected by NLS please do not despair. Since this is a holiday story there will be angst and pathos aplenty. So please read on. Two sides.

The world keeps turning. As do the leaves. And calendar pages. So, we have suddenly been thrust into the dreaded/ joyfully anticipated HOLIDAY SEASON. For some this is a time for celebration, joy and happiness. Family, food, friends, football, fights and figgy pudding. See? Some F words are okay. The anticipation of the upcoming holy day ( holiday, get it?) . Getting and erecting the tree. The decorations coming out of their boxes. Tiny light bulbs being tested. Children on their best behavior. Churches getting the choir in tune. Ladies buying new dresses so as to be the envy of the neighborhood. Stores and the internet offering so many delights to tempt us to part with our money. But, not to enrich them, but to showcase how much we care. All the feel good movies and TV shows calculated to add to our joy. The Hallmark Channel is more responsible for sugar induced comas than cake. Office parties, house parties, block parties. All kinds of celebrations. And the non stop music. Christmas carols galore. Santa ringing his bell.Adeste Fid…

STOP. JUST. SHUT. UP.

You people just don’t understand that there are people who wake up a week before Thanksgiving with the certainty that Christmas trees are starting to rise up and demand to be decorated. Before Thanksgiving for crying out loud. And be put on display totally uncaring that not everyone shares this seasonal giddiness. The tree decorators have no idea how many people dread this time of year. It’s called SAD. Seasonally Affected Disorder. The feeling that they are going to be assailed and assaulted by your pseudo good cheer. You don’t understand the anxiety of waking up knowing there is really no escape from your outward showing of happiness. The shallow breathing and palpitations make the act of getting out of bed almost impossible.Unable to face the festivities. Unable to avoid them.

You insist on encompassing all of us with your glee. You force us to listen to your nonstop caroling extolling a religious fervor you insist we all share. We don’t force you to be subjected to our spirituality. Or lack thereof. Why do you…

Okay, enough.Two sides of the same coin. You had your say. This is MY story after all. Let me tell you about another group that has recently expanded.You can almost watch the rocks move as the scammers crawl out from under them. Their mission is to make us part with huge chunks of cash. And they are not as honest as, say, Santa ringing that bell. Their stock in trade is deception. They play on fear, greed and other emotions. Grandma, I am in jail and need a gift card. Your package has been lost. Oh yeah. A case in point.

I recently got a call from Agent Hanson from THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY.

A.H. (I am using his supposed initials. I am not implying anything. Really.). “ I am calling about a package you are expecting. I will give you my badge number and the case number. It is very important that you write this down so you may verify the authenticity.Please right away take this information.”

Well number one, the turnip truck he thinks I fell off departed many decades ago. Plus, not to be insensitive, he can barely navigate the English language and , he just ain’t no Hanson. No offense.

Me.” Wow! This sounds important. I can’t get a pencil and paper right now. Can you hold on for a minute?”

“ Yes please but is very urgent you write this down so I can discuss this problem with you .”

“ It may take a while. I’m outside walking my dog. She’s kind of constipated so it might take a little bit. Why don’t you just tell me what’s going on. I can talk while I’m walking. This sounds serious. Wow, Homeland Security.”

“ You need to write down the information I give so you have case number and phone number. I also need to verify information from you.”

The plot thickens. “ Well okay. She’s starting to sniff the grass. That’s always a good sign. I appreciate your patience. Sorry this is taking so long.She’s a good dog and I have to make sure she goes. I’m sure you understand. I know this is really important and I want to cooperate with you guys as much as I can. Oops. Just another pee. That wasn’t the right spot. We’re walking some more. Okay. She’s starting to circle around. I think this is it. By the way, why does my phone say you’re calling from Michigan? Does DHS have an office there?”…”Hello? She’s squatting .Are you there? Hello ?“ Beautiful silence.

Gee. I wonder what that package is.