Missing Parts

By Fred Prout

Somewhere around my tenth year, I had a brilliant idea. If I wore eyeglasses the gangsters in school would stop beating the crap out of me. It never occurred to me that my being a sickly kid with a smart mouth might have somehow had something to do with it. All I knew was it was somehow wrong to beat up on any kid wearing glasses. Especially me. So glasses I needed and glasses I got.

What an idiot!. All that did was put a flashing red light over my head and a KICK ME sign on my back. The Ruggerios and the Goglientinos got their kicks not on Route Sixty Six, but by whaling on yours truly. I distinctly remember all these decades later that they had a code of honor. Don’t break the glasses. It’s more fun this way. Make him wonder.

So, ever since then, I have been wearing glasses. Well, except for a short painful trial of hard contact lenses. Oh boy do I remember them. Back to the old reliable glasses really quick.First thing in the morning grab glasses. Step out of the shower, grab glasses. Do morning sit down routine, grab glasses.(Well you gotta read).They became a part of my existence. My body. Teeth in, glasses on hearing aids plugged in. Start the day.

Last eye exam, Doc says ” Man, you’re way overdue for Cadillac removal. (Okay, I didn’t have my hearing aids in).Zip,snip no pain. You will marvel at the results.” Or something like that. “ I naturally questioned the Cadillac reference since I proudly own a twelve year old Chrysler.( Spellcheck tried to tell you it was a chrysanthemum .) First eye done.Stumbled through it. Literally stumbled through it. So the following week I had the second eye done. Saw the doc a couple days later.Check healing and so forth. All is well. Except that I just can’t see like I used to. Readers on. Readers off. Driving is a challenge. Just don’t have the Jenny Sayqua. Who ever she might be.

Got an appointment for thirty days later. I go back to get fitted for new glasses in thirty days. THIRTY DAYS in addition to the eleven days from the first surgery with no glasses. Then another week waiting for Costco to deliver the new ones. ( I decided against the Dame Edna experience).They have been an integral part of my existence for over seventy years for crying out loud . How can I manage. I explained to the Doc that I already felt like a vital part of me was missing. “I feel like I’m walking around in my underwear.”

Doc says ” A lot of people feel that way ”

“What in the world are they doing walking around in my underwear anyway?”

Blank look.Some people have no sense of humor.

Fred Prout