By Fred Prout
Here it is almost August. I don’t understand how that happened. Did anyone else notice that the earth is spinning faster than ever? Time goes faster. Seems like not that long ago we were planning to retire and see America. We got to see a lot before it changed. Life goes on. You lose people. If you’re very lucky you can find people. But for crying out loud, it’s almost August for crying out loud. HOW???
Speaking of time, the older you get the more stuff you get to remember. The first telephone for example. As a kid, two rings were for us. Everything else was for unidentified people who somehow knew when you picked up their call by mistake. “HANG UP THE DAMN PHONE ” was enough to scare you for a week.
Now a phone is not a luxury. It is, and contains, your entire life. It’s a device that lets you talk to anyone at any time. Or send them a message or an email. Like magic I can pick up my phone in Oregon and instantly speak to someone anywhere in the world. People can also contact me to see how I’m doing. Or to offer unbelievable opportunities for investment. Or my grandchildren can let me know they’re in jail in Mexico and need money. Or Agent Hanson from Homeland Security can try to hustle me when I’m walking the dog. If you lose your phone, you lose contact with the world. You are totally lost and alone. Let’s not forget the internet. You can ask Boggle anything and get some kind of answer. Or several. You can try this after you finish this piece. No skipping. I’m watching.
Every once in a while you have to bite the bullet and buy a new phone. My six year old SINGSONG phone decided that it was running out of battery power. Since it is a little inconvenient getting a really long cord so you can carry your phone, you have to start the process of researching what’s available. See, I made the process more difficult than it had to be. I read about SINGSONG, BOGGLE and the ironically named LEMON and my head started to spin. They are all rated NUMBER ONE by somebody or other. And all come in a variety of colors. Really. Colors. Like lavender. LAVENDER!!!
Having decided on another SINGSONG I find there are three , soon to be four, options to choose from. None are cheaper than my old one. That would cause a trade imbalance, stagflation or, at the very least, a serious warp in the space time continuum. It could even result in the return of Captain James Tiberius Kirk . Hey, let me think on that. All us Trekkies would have a blast. Anyway, phone decided, now the carrier.
You’ve got Cousin ITT , HORIZON and IMMOBILE . These will send you a bill every month. Or charge your credit card according to the periodic table or prime rate. Or the relative position of Jupiter and Mercury. The planet. Not the car. Or one of the other guys who market to the people without credit cards. Pay up front. We ain’t stupid. Thing is, all of these kind folks are willing to give you free stuff in exchange for your business. Your money. FREE PHONE! Just pay extra every month. We’ll pay off your old phone. Just pay extra every month. Special rate for four or more lines. Sorry, but most of my readers are beyond the time when we give our six year old a phone. And I’m not gonna get multiple lines so I can talk to myself. I’m just not that interesting.
So here we are. I got the new phone and promptly spent fourteen hours setting the damn thing up. The guy in the store said that any twelve year old with three functioning brain cells could do this in five minutes. I am no longer twelve years old. Brain cells? No idea how many are left. I know several must have snuck out of my brain with the tears I shed trying to put all the shift from one phone to another. Yeah, go back and read that again.
I started writing this on my new phone. The one with advanced AI and the latest version of spellchekc.
Now, I’ve always been a forward thinking fellow, so I appreciate the fact that we now have Artificial Intelligence. We need it desperately. The human kind is rapidly going to hell in a wheelbarrow. I know that because my new phone has thirty news apps and I can read all kinds of shirt that causes severe depression. See, there it goes again. ‘ Deus Ex Machina ‘
Go ahead and Boggle that. It’ll make sense and you’ll learn some short that you never knew you didn’t know. I also didn’t write that postmaster Phil Latel was seen dumpster dining. Sorry Phil, it was the spellchekc.
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This is hilarious, you’re such a great writer. Top notch wit.
Towards the latter part of the last century I was employed in sales with the telco out of Toronto….one time my phone rang, (back then you couldn’t differentiate between internal (company) calls and external (customer) ones)……
So, mine rang, and a nice lady from engineering said “It’s so nice to call you because you’re always in such a good mood..” – I replied “I’m working”.
Eons later we removed our home landline and replaced it with a (very) basic portable that I don’t answer…….if my supervisor is out, and didn’t take it with her, then any messages remain unanswered until she returns….the devolution of technological response…suits me.
Loved the article laughed a lot, thanks for sharing.