Uncertainty. Is “uncertainty” a basic human emotion? Well, if it isn’t (and it isn’t) maybe it should be. Check out “basic human emotions” on the internet and you get this: love, joy, surprise, fear, sadness, disgust, shame and pride. H’mm.
Right now I’m dealing with uncertainty and it sure feels like it’s basic! Let’s get the story straight before folks start asking “What flowers did she like?” or begin planning my memorial service. (Got your attention, did I?)
I planned to leave Oregon and head for Quartzsite Oct. 22 but my plans were waylaid by an innocent letter that came late Friday evening. “Your recent mammogram…requires additional imaging studies for a complete evaluation.” All medical offices are closed late Friday evening so I waited until 8:01 a.m. Monday and started calling. After much pleading, a repeat evaluation was scheduled for Tuesday morning and it resulted in an ultrasound Tuesday afternoon. A very young and handsome doctor talked with me after the study and the result is I’m awaiting a biopsy next Monday. I won’t know the results til Wednesday.
Uncertainty!! A report of negative (that means no cancer) or positive (yep, cancer) hangs in the balance til then. Making this doubly difficult is my almost insane desire to get down to Quartzsite before the winter snows choke the mountain passes (two of them I must traverse.)
It might be easier to deal with the eight basic emotions listed. But uncertainty? Being a rational person I tell myself that fear and sadness are not appropriate; certainly the other basic emotions aren’t appropriate. So where am I? In limbo.
Limbo? My old dictionary habit, now replaced by Google, rears its ugly head and I check the internet. “An intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place.” Sheesh! Intermediate? I’m a little too old for that. Midway? Between what and what? That leaves transitional; which really isn’t so bad. Every day of our lives is a transition. We move from childhood to adult hood and all the gray areas in between. This is just another transition; the only problem is I can’t see the end of it. But then have we ever seen the end of a year, a week or even a day?
So, Quartzsite here I come…maybe. We’ll see. Uncertain, that’s all.

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6 Responses to UNCERTAINTY By Jackie Deal

  1. Anonymous says:

    Jackie Dear One. First of all thank you for sharing your innermost and tender thoughts.
    It is a conversation for us all as we blithely meander along seeming free of anything other than our limited ability to tie our shoes. I will be thinking of you and will look forward to a nice visit down along the Colorado River somewhere after your cleared for travel.

  2. Rod Zebb says:

    Jackie, we are hoping for the best for you. Yes, we never know what the future holds.
    Keep us posted.
    Rod Zebb

  3. Margi Binninger says:

    Jackie, please know that many of us here in the park have been in your shoes waiting for the other shoe to drop and having to deal with the subsequent diagnosis. I hope it’s a comfort to you to know that my first mastectomy was in 2001 and my second in 2015 … and I’m still here! Breast cancer treatment is not the same as it was years ago. Get treatment here, get treatment in Arizona … your choice. But do know we survivors are here to support you. Just call.

  4. Matt Grant says:

    Dear Jackie, What a difference a few days makes and the unknown is the worst of uncertainty. When you know, your power will return and you can deal with it. You are in our prayers. By the way, I found your article and thanks.

  5. Gewn says:

    Hey neighbor. Will be keeping you in prayer . Even though I’m a c. survivor, waiting in the hallway of uncertainty has become a way of life. Learning to think and live positive thoughts is strength. You are not alone in this. Love you.

  6. Helen Schrader says:

    Sorry to read about your recent problems. You are in our prayers and we hope that you will be able to travel soon. The bumps we have along the way, make us stronger and we all pray for a straighter tomorrow. We’re here for you if needed.

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